Creepy Crawlies

Already not amused

It's been a pretty rough week in regards to my interactions with the animal kingdom. On Saturday I went on a 'horseback adventure' over in Fordsdale, (approximately an hour and a half inland) for 5 hours on a horse having never ridden one before, my V hated me before we even got there. We set off nice and early...I had consumed a pie and a slush puppy before it was even 8am as I never trust something that says they provide food if there isnt a Maccies nearby. I instantly regretted this the moment I got on my horse and his knees buckled. I sat there straddled over poor Borris in total shame, wishing horses vision didn't sit round the side of their heads so I could avoid the pained expression darting through his eyes. The fact I was a total beginner in the horseback riding industry also made me feel like I was the fat kid in a P.E. lesson paired up with the county pro (how ironic), who would roll their eyes at the teacher before spending the lesson begrudgingly carrying their achilles heel of a partner through to the end. 

Bailed

Whilst I sat in silent apology to poor Borris, who by the way I concluded was also gay (the only male horse not to get a boner when the female in season sauntered past) we enjoyed a guided tour of the surrounds. This sentence in itself is a bit weak, I hesitate using the term 'we' considering I'm pretty sure Borris enjoyed carrying me about as much as I enjoy eating a carrot stick if a chocolate cake is nearby...and the term 'enjoyed' is also a bit loose when I spent the whole time in fear Borris's legs would snap and I would be responsible for the imminent euthanasia. On one particularly steep downhill decent I actually called it quits and climbed off, a result of Borris eyeing up the cliff edge far too longingly. If horses could do maths...im pretty sure he was calculating the distance to the floor in relation to the speed we would have gained to enable immediate death upon impact, anything to avoid carrying the inexperienced retard he had been paired up with. We eventually made it home, Borris even worked up to a light trot when he saw the finishing line. Along the way we actually came across my first snake in the wild...a brown one which im told can kill. Again, if we had come across it about an hour before Borris would probably have thrown me at it, hoping for the best. 
I have made the decision that horse riding isn't really my thing, not only do you need a ringed cushion for a day or two but horses attract flies. I for one did not enjoy the feeling of them crawling across my eyeball on several occasions.

Chronic

In this recent week, I have also come across my first spider. If i had a fear of them I probably would actually book myself out of here on the first plane home because they are respectfully larger than any I have come across back home. I caught the first one easily due to being an accessible height, situated at the bottom of my door...the second however I spotted on my ceiling, providing a much larger challenge.

1-0

Regardless to my lack of phobia I didn't fancy the thought of it dangling above me in the dark so I plotted it's capture. I initially opted for the cockroach spray, which informed me of a degree of effectiveness upon spiders...strongly worded letter of complaint coming their way. If anything the spider became more agile and added to that, was also pretty pissed off. I was now convinced that if I didn't get it out of my bedroom immediately, he would sit and plot revenge in my sleep. I gave up on the modernised approach, opting instead for the traditional 'glass and paper' manoeuvre...not ideal when the spider is on the ceiling and im balancing underneath on a very unstable swivelly chair. However, my determination prevailed and i triumphantly mocked the spider before I set him out into the wild (hopefully never to return?) 

Moral of the stories?
I bond better with dead animals...one big mac meal made large please

Bored face....

Birthday Cake

After the mishaps of our last Byron Bay adventure (blame the goon...) we decided to embark upon a Round 2 for Ash's birthday weekend away. After struggling majorly to find accomodation...we eventually gave up and booked a double room to squeeze 9 of us in...financially a great decision. I baked Ash a cake (totally forgot about the candles so made do with a lighter..) and at the 'past her bedtime' stage of 8pm...im pretty sure she doesnt remember me presenting it to her. We also realised once in the hotel that we were going to get our ID's checked on our way back in (maybe its common for cheapskate travellers to squeeze multiple people in one room?) but by this point the goon and jaeger shots were in too much of a heavy flow for us to care. Due to the fact Mark's ginger, hobo like appearance doesn't sit well with bouncers I am yet again unable to describe the interior of Cheeky Monkeys...

We moved on to Cocomangas, ushering Mark in first so they know he had actually arrived with people and not wandered in off the streets. Ash made it until half 12 before I was patting her back whilst she chundered in a bin in the corner...those of you who know me well enough to know my attitude towards sick will see this as the telltale state that I was in rather than her. Needless to say we were kicked out. Personally I wasn't too bothered because we went straight to the takeaway, which is by far my favourite part of a night out. You know you have issues when you are stood in the corner of a club weighing up the life changing decision of whether to go for a chicken burger or pizza on the way home...even bigger issues when you cant make the decision and just opt for both. Either way I ended up spending more money on pizza than I had on drinks...how am i single? 

Needs more than a coffee
to sort that out

We arrived at the hotel and soon remembered our original dilemma of how we could sneak so many people in without them noticing (including two boys when the room was booked under two girls...) Ash had packed two airbeds for some of us to sleep on, forgetting the fact we needed to pump them using the car. I dont think carrying two airbeds through the hotel lobby would have gone any more unnoticed than razzing it through to the second floor in a honda jazz...the plot thickens. Resultantly I paid $15 for a hotel room I didn't use after carting two inflated airbeds round the streets of Byron Bay at 2am, waking up on the beach to the sound of at least 100 children who had turned up for a Sunday morning life saving course. I was actually relatively pleased with the scenario until we strolled back through the hotel lobby at 8am arriving to the room to find out that 6 of my companions had outsmarted the door staff and had a cosy, sand free evening. Even Skit had made it through just under their assumption he would be 'in and out' (quite literally.) Hilariously enough we had left Mark down at the beach and upon our return he informed us someone had even asked him if he wanted a coffee. Apparently it isn't an uncommon thing to sleep on the beach in Byron and we soon made a friends with Peter, who had set up camp a few metres from us and spent his day smoking the dooby and drinking goon. I'm sure many of you will expect similar of me at the age of 40...except I will also be surrounded by cats. 

Moral of the story?

Dont go to Byron Bay...there isn't a McDonalds in sight

Me and Maire

As the boys are making their way up the coast and I hadn't experienced a night in Surfers yet...I took Maire down there for a mad one (obviously paid for one bed between the two of us...) Yet again a cost effective trip for us girls...we got free entry AND free drinks before 12. It's safe to say sharing the two bottles of vodka beforehand was probably an error. Whilst in the club innocently dancing on a podium, some GoldCoast dooshbag decided it was perfectly acceptable to shove me and Maire off it so he could jump up to grind on some girl. Not realising quite how scummy he was we attempt to get back on the podium....a few push and shoves later he spat in Maire's face three times. As it was not yet 12 and he had been kicked out we decided to let the whole ordeal slide and went back to the bar. It was clear the clock had struck midnight when girls were no longer queuing up for drinks...I was no exception. I also knew I was close walking distance to Maccies so decided to call it a night. We had lost Skit (who had apparently abandoned ship in a hunt for a kebab) and after failed attempts of finding him, I finally had my Big Mac meal and a soft serve (third one of the day) I demolished the burger in usual speed (there is a technique to the execution of a Big Mac of which many have limited knowledge) and was just about to start on my fries when the podium dude whaltzed in with his cronies. I imagine a sober person would have ignored his presence, realising if he was going to spit on a girl he probably had no morals, however Maire was far from sober...She spent a couple of minutes winding him up and I wasn't paying much attention to his whereabouts. Next thing I knew he had thrown his large coke all over us on his way out...which in itself is annoying but a huge quantity covered my remaining food. I dont know what onlookers found more amusing; the sight of Mark and Maire attempting to take on him and his mates or me sat in borderline tears trying to dry my chips off with an equally wet napkin. Regardless, I still ate them. 

Moral of the story?

For the first time ever, I shouldn't have got the Big Mac meal...

Getting wet and wild in the black hole...

Yesterday marked the 3 month anniversary of my time in Australia. It's crazy to think if I didn't have my year long visa I would be on my way home....unless I fancied my chances as an illegal immigrant. I suppose I could have befriended members of the Asian mafia for protection, hiding out in some cupboard under the stairs in a dodgy takeaway. Would be awesome to make an appearance on Border Security and get shipped back home whilst receiving global recognition.

Sharking

Anyway...I was actually meant to spend my day whale watching (insert self criticised fat joke here) but it got cancelled so instead we decided to go to wet and wild for the day. Its a water park just down the Goldie (Gold Coast to you non-locals) and I have an annual pass from my day at Sea World. I personally think 'Wet and Wild' is a pretty poor choice of name for a water park...it just means the paedophiles can get twice as excited about what to expect before getting there. However. it is not a child friendly park and I laughed on several occasions at kids standing on their tip toes next to the rulers before having an emotional breakdown when they get turned away. Why would you even put your child through such public humiliation...unless its being used as a punishment? Some of them werent even close though...one kid was about 20cm short of the height restriction and his mum tried to feed some BS story to the lifeguard about him being a strong swimmer...yeah, thats why he has floatation devices in his rashy?

So wet and So wild...

I personally feel I'm a pretty good person to accompany to a water park...not only would you feel better about your body but my fear of heights is a good laugh on the climb up to a big ride. One downfall of the park was the lack of conveyor belt systems for the tubes...spending your day dragging them up multiple flights of stairs is physically demanding for someone with poor fitness levels like myself. There was also one ride where they actually weighed you to check you were okay to go on it....i was ecstatic at my miraculous 1kg loss in 2 weeks. Whilst at the park, myself and Cailin bumped into some of the other au pairs. 

Always knew I would need a crane to be transported one day but didnt expect it to be so soon...

Things got out of hand and the next thing I knew I was harnessed 50m up in the air listening to some guy named Dave doing a count down to my inevitable death. As I mentioned I have an insane fear of heights so this situation for me was far from ideal. I probably used every curse word under the sun but thankfully Dave's safety procedures were evidently thorough and I can live to tell the tale of my skyrider experience. 

Live, Laugh, Love <3

Moral of the story?

Dont trust your parents or the paedophiles at wet and wild...

Fraser Island.....

Up front with Danny...

I wasn't really sure what to expect when it came to the Fraser Island trip...I had heard very good things about the place and was quite looking forward to the potential of making the news for my arm getting severed by a Dingo or something (they are however a very misjudged breed of which I am a huge fan...lots of respect for any animal that has figured out how to open cooler bins to steal the contents.) There was 8 of us booked onto the 3 day tour...of the 6 people I didn't know to begin with I can still only name 3. Our tour guide Danny was very funny and im 99% sure he fancied me. It was my first time driving on a beach and I made the mistake of sitting in the very back of the 4x4. My head smashed on ceiling 400 times and I had restricted viewing when we came across a humpback whale and a school of dolphins! Even Danny got excited and instructed everybody to "GET THE FUCK OUT", which soon became the motto of the tour. Due to the small size of our group, we also got treated to a treck up to the lighthouse at double ended point, which provided great views, my first ever sighting of a sea turtle in the wild and an on the spot decision never to walk up a hill with more than a 10% incline ever again.We arrived on Fraser Island early afternoon, making our way along 75 mile beach to the hotel. During the journey Danny stopped to talk to a few other drivers, one of which told us to keep an eye out on the waters as he thinks he saw a shark feeding frenzy! Annoyingly from my spot in the back seat I saw nothing but the boys saw it all, it was actually a killer whale!! This is something which is so rare in the Fraser Island region that the National Park almost disregard any potential sightings! The third whale spotting of the day was at Lake Wobby, where I paraded in my bikini for the fans...

We kick started the second day of our tour with a trip to the sand dunes. I consulted the tour itinery afterwards and at no point did it say I needed experiences such as climbing mount Everest to enjoy the 'light exercise' required. We were the only people there but I imagine if others had been, it would have looked very similar to a scene off The Biggest Loser....at one point I even fell to my knees and made a short prayer to the Lord above that my legs wouldn't become disabled forever as a result of the treacherous climb. I couldn't help but think the whole ordeal would have been easier if I had larger toes, the small surface area meant my feet stabbed through the sand and I could only watch with a mixture of jealousy and admiration as Chris stormed on ahead with his canoe shoes. It was our last journey with Danny, we were passed over at lunch time to join the visitors of the two day trip. I'm pretty sure he left because he couldn't cope with his overwhelming feelings towards me...

The two day tour people arrived and we got upgraded to a small bus...which provided an even bumpier journey and also required huge efforts from me and Ash to turn it into a wild party. 

Ash robbing my man...

Over the course of the weekend I developed an insane amount of love for one of the guys on the tour...a 35 year old Canadian guy called Andre. After giving up on numerous attempts at a party bus. I spent many a moments singing songs for him, replacing words in chart toppers with his name. A personal favourite was "never mind I'll find someone like Andre..." even though I struggled to hit the big notes. I have also added Canada as another destination on my world tour.

The tour as a whole was quite expensive and not something I would recommend (unless you get Danny as a guide or Andre as a co-guest) I also send my sincere apologies to the local baker who nearly got fired for jumping in the pool with us with no clothes on...my rolls were better than hers.

Becoming the Queen of Camping...

One Night of Camping....

So the family are playing country swap and are currently in London, leaving me kid-free for 3 glorious weeks. The first weekend I planned a camping trip down to Mt.Tamborine for a night and took my 2 favourite kiwis with me! For the one night we went we probably packed an average of 7kgs of clothing each, enough food for a week (97% sweets, chocolate and snacks) and obviously forgot key camping essentials such as plates and a spatula (camping error number 1)....cooking home-made burgers with a fork is tough. After setting up camp quite efficiently with no instructions we went to explore the surroundings, there are a lot of nice creeks and waterfalls in the Tamborine National Park. If we were to go back in time I would probably change my poor choice of attire...wearing high waist shorts with a belt that pulls them slightly too high (camping error number 2) was definitely not appreciated by my lady region and if I remain forever childless, this will definitely be up there as one of the main causes! We spent a far from quiet night sat around the fire with a few beverages, toasting any food we could on the end of a stick and dipping in a pot of aeoli. Camping error number 3 was putting me in charge of the fire; I managed to flick a ball of flames onto Alex, causing lots of girly screams and chaos of throwing drinks everywhere before we eventually extinguished her with a glass of wine...I personally thought it was hilarious.

Moral of the Story?
Should have just took a big mac meal made large...and maybe a different pair of shorts

The following weekend I embarked upon a 13 hour drive up the East Coast to the Whitsunday Islands. Within the first 5 minutes we had already gone the wrong way and been attacked by a mosquito! Nine hours later we were crawling into the first petrol station we had seen in over 100km using the fumes of the petrol can! We reached Shute Harbour with plenty of time to spare so stopped at Hungry Jacks for a nice breakfast whopper (McDonalds had their friggin breakfast menu on or would have had a BigMac..) This was a trip i truely realised how much my life revolved around food....we were told to pack lightly for the boat transfer so I moved some of our dry food into the car along with some of the spare butane and other bits and bobs we dont need. Once we arrived on the island we realised the car was also full of petrol fumes and was parked in a non-shaded area, putting the cans of butane at risk of blowing up...I was furious in case we lost the few tins of spaghetti and box of cereal I had left behind. After an awesome week on Whitehaven skinny dipping, snorkelling with sharks and stingrays and camping on a beach we were ready to get back to the mainland (ultimately because we had nothing left to eat...) 
The following day we set off to go and dive the barrier reef...the boat trip was quite rocky and I witnessed a small Chinese woman fill about 10 sick backs in 5 minutes. Big pat on the back to her boyfriend for sticking with her throughout, I would have bailed before bag number 2! The trip cost $210 without the scuba so I made it my mission to make some of the money back on the buffet lunch (totally ignoring the usual statement about how everyone needs to eat...) I was also furious to see the same Chinese woman who had spewed so shamelessly on the boat swanning round eating king prawns..shot not sat near her on the way home! I nearly missed the transfer back because I was actually too busy eating a chicken drumstick...Snorkelling the reef was surreal and finding Nemo was actually awesome! Nailed a night out in Airlie Beach after which was a bit chronic the next day starting the journey home at 9am after packing a tent away. Too many funny things to even sum up but quotes of the week:
1. Why am I single?
2. I love being overweight...
3. Should have been shot at birth!
4. Where are the timtams?
5. Hold on...let me just finish this drumstick

<3 Ash, Kenzi and Ronnie for an amazing trip!!

Moral of the story?
Definitely should not have had a KFC on the way home...

Bartering with a 4 year old....

I am training Liam up as a hairdresser so I don't have to do my own hair anymore....

In return I have to push him on the swing...

And provide him with Spelling lessons....

But this also get me his babysitting duties....

Then he gets a few fun days out on the side for free...

Loss of multiple Virginities!!

In recent weeks I have been to my first Brisbane Broncos game, visited Byron Bay with a bunch of people I barely/didn't know, held my first Koala, held my first Snake, played my first didgeridoo, spooned a Kangaroo and drank my first Wildberry Smash....

Jordan, Ash, Me, Alex and Maisa (sick)

I actually moved away from Maisa
specifically for this photo...

When planning a weekend away, most people would choose their uttermost best friends and be very wary of any 'outsiders' that could potentially ruin the fun. Life as an Au Pair allows none of this...so I embarked upon a 330km round trip for one night of mayhem with 9 girls I barely knew. Cailin was the closest thing I had to a best friend (the Saturday marked our 4 weeks of friendship anniversary...) and I could count on one hand or less the amount of times I had met everybody else! After some seedy pickups on the street corner of the train station (the awkward moment you don't know someone and not sure if the person you are staring at is them or not...) we went on our merry way. We stayed at a well known backpackers hostel called The Arts Factory...basically follow the smell of marijuana and you're there! I would definitely recommend anyone visiting Byron to stay...there was plenty to do and the laid back atmosphere made socialising very easy! (We only got asked once if we wanted to buy some of the green stuff but no offence is taken when you politely decline..) I serenaded my new friends with a didgeridoo and hung out in hammocks watching the sun go down. In the space of the one night I was there I loved these people enough to commit myself to a world tour to make sure I visited everyone on home turf (3 states of  America, Finland, 2 regions of France and 2 regions 

Calling in life...

of NZ) - pretty expensive night out in the end!! The following day was spent lounging around at the beach (mainly figuring out how to put an effective restraining order on Maisa...Finish, banging body, blonde hair, blue eyes, kinda girl that makes you want to give up on life...) followed by a wander round the Sunday markets. I would advice anyone not to use the portaloos, especially after a heavy night on the goon as the chances are you will probably chunder on yourself. 

Taking everything into perspective, I wouldn't have done the weekend with anyone else...
<3 MY BYRON BAY BITCHEZZZ

Chillin at the beach...

Moral of the Story?
Would have a body like Maisa if I didn't love my big macs...

I also feel I have turned into a Lone Pine Tour Guide....I took Cailin to show her around and get our photos taken with a Koala (life long dream) and later in the week I took Ash and Sophie too (a slightly more hungover, less enthusiastic trip..) I also made an on the spot decision to get my photo taken with a snake (didn't want to waste the full face of day make-up) and spooned a kangaroo!
I have been spending almost too much time with Ash...her Kiwi lingo is rubbing off on me and NEK MINNIIIIIT I'll be sounding like one...
We also managed to take 4 trips to McDonalds in our sorry states after embarking upon the best hangover drink known to mankind...Wildberry Smash. I have put Ash on a strict budget to save for our future travels (world tour I arranged at Byron..) and we decided we cannot accomodate or justify spending $5 four times a day every time we feel a bit grim..

Moral of the Story?
Should have just got a Big Mac Meal made Large instead of the first Wildberry Smash...