Sat Nav lady better watch her back...

So it's been a while now since my last update. Mainly because I feel my life is splattered all over about 6 different social media sites, people must be fed up of reading the same old shit. However, I am mainly writing this blog for something for me to read back on and remember what a ball I had.

I have had a relatively chilled out couple of weeks....the kids are finally realising I will put them on 'time out' when they're naughty and Liam is toning down his over-use of the insult "fuckid penis" as a result...

I have had a couple of decent days of fun...on the 14th (August) I went down to Springbrook National Park with Cailin...there is an optional hike between all the lookouts, we obviously chose to drive. The waterfall at the Natural Bridge was amazing...it did involve an unavoidable mile or so long walk though due to lack of close access by car (one for the complaint box) so it's a good job I'm in complete and utter peak physical condition.

Clockwise from top left - Natural Bridge, Me & Cailin, Best of All Lookout

Went to The Ekka on the 17th with Jess...it's an annual festival in Brisbane which basically involves the country folk coming and ripping you of every last dollar in as many methods as possible. I personally spent 13 on sweets (lollies for those Aussies out there) alone...I did however try my first ever dagwood dog (corndog - large one obviously) and bloody loved it!!! 

Clockwise from left - firework, me loving life with my dagwood, car on two wheels, horse show

My job at the weekend involved taking the kids to SeaWorld....tough life! 98% of the day was a success; the 2% that wasn't involved a mad moment of panic after Zoe decided to run off in the opposite direction to try and find Dora the Explorer! Many a times I have observed a parents panic when they can't find their child and wondered what it would feel like - I now imagine it's nearly as bad as how I felt when I realised I had potentially lost someone else's! She turned up in tears...still yet to work out if it was from being upset at losing me or her failed mission in tracking down her idol. 

Clockwise from top left - me being awesome with the kids, me and zoe on the rocket ride,
me and Liam on the log flume, the first dolphins iv seen in my life.

I am also now going to take the time to complain about how much of a knobber my satnav is. They must be accountable for a good 76% of accidents and 100% of road related suicides. If I ever meet the woman who does the voice over for mine, I will have a natural instinct to punch her in the face and repeatedly shout "TURN AROUND WHEN POSSIBLE". Not my fault when you constantly tell me to bear left before flying past the right hand turn...oh and then throwing me further off-track by taking about 6 minutes to re-calculate the pissing journey. 

It very nearly made me late for the pub quiz at the Down Under bar. I'm reliably informed it's a Brisbane Hotspot...and for $7 pizza and pint I for one will definitely return. Our team (quiz on my breasticles) was a solid force reeling in 34/40 and taking first place ($100 prize!!) It was an emotional moment what with it being my first ever pub quiz success...here is the picture of us in all our glory.

quiz on my breasticles for a $100

Moral of the stories?
1. Check parking restrictions before a trip
2. Go for a maccies before going to Ekka (big mac meal is cheaper than their sweets...)
3. Shoot Dora before going to Sea World
4. Stop being so directionally retarded
5. always quiz on my breasticles

I have found the cure for teenage pregnancies...and also my first friend

SUNGLASSES
Rule number 1 in the
'how to improve your
looks' manual

Before coming to Australia I joined a website called meetup.com Its essentially a website for loners who find common interests with other loners and make friends with them. PERFECT! I had joined the group for au-pairs in Brisbane (as they don't have a group for people who are a general mess in life for me to make friends with) but it turns out my first friend Cailin fits that category too anyway. An event was organised for a group of us to go paddle boarding and I saw it as a decent enough distraction from my daydreaming about big macs. The organiser messaged me and after a few friendlies we arranged a trip out to the beach...i mainly felt panicky about the fact it was in the same direction as Bribie Island. I went along and we got on pretty well...she's American and I was the first British person she had ever met. I'm sure I don't just speak for myself when I say I don't think that's giving the country the best of starts. Anyway, she found my accent hilarious and we bonded over the pathetic state of our loneliness...and in a non-sexual sense we are eachother's first! I also got my face licked by a small dog and a dead jellyfish flung at me by a small child but that's another story...

It was a lot easier for me going to the paddle boarding having already met Cailin...I can be pretty awkward sometimes in situations with new people and say something highly inappropriate...at least now I knew if that happened she would laugh (similar sense of humour..) 

Paddle boarding itself is not easy...especially when the most exercise your upper arms have done in the past few months involves opening the fridge door  (sometimes a pretty decent workout if they have a strong magnetic system..) The instructor made us go against the tide and the city cat boat annialated us with waves every few minutes...imagine it was quite amusing for the crowds of spectators along the river bank (especially when I did a far from graceful belly flop before getting hit in the face by my board as the tide swept us back.) It was a load of fun though and I would recommend it to anyone. 

Lovely wet boobs for the ride home.

I was on babysitting duties afterwards and Cailin came along for the ride...the whole experience nearly broke us mentally, physically and emotionally. After Emma&Andrew left all hell broke loose. They tried every trick from the 'guide of how to ruin an au pairs life in one night', threw about 4 simultaneous tantrums (along with a few books and felt tips), I got kicked in the face and drawn all over as well as being called a penis about 45 times. I now understand one potential cause of an alcoholic...single mothers out there have my sympathy and I for one will never judge. It took an hour and 45 minutes to get them to finally go to sleep...do these children know how many big macs i can eat in that time? However, it has led me to a new scheme for avoiding teenage pregnancies. Scrap the plastic babies, wind Liam and Zoe up and throw them into the ring! The condom industry will boost and everyone's a winner. 

Moral of the story?

Don't get pregnant kids

The cat needs emotional therapy...along with anyone unlucky enough to visit Bribie Island

Skittles isn't too pleased with me...I have actually spent a few days going out and socialising instead of lounging round tending to his petting needs. I assume he feels a bit used and abused...kind of like if you go on a first date that went pretty well but then don't hear from them for a few days. We are maintaining the initial business arrangement and he begrudgingly eats the food i provide, dismissing my attempts of affection. He eventually caves at night time, sculking into my bedroom for cuddles....

Loving the guy on the left refusing to move.

Now John has arrived with his family I have been able to leave the house without being a total loner...we went down the Gold Coast and stopped off at Surfers Paradise for the day. I can only really describe it is Australia's equivalent to Ayia Napa or something like that. I don't think a place that has a kinky sex shop named 'Condom Kingdom' with a 6 foot tall smiling plastic condom at its door can really claim any form of dignity, similarly to the twig girls walking round in gold hot pants and cowboy hats! 

Skittles got pretty jealous when he saw this,
he thought me and the condom were now good friends.

The day itself was actually amazing. I make it sound a pretty shoddy place but the beach was gorgeous, the sea was clean and my banter as always was pretty unreal. If you ever go I recommend you stop for food at the Surf Life Saving Club! Its on the beach front and has a $10 menu (very cheap compared to most places) I tend to have a habit of rating days out purely on the food...so after a decent steak sandwich and tub of chocolate ice cream I can happily say I would go back.

The following day I tagged along (call me Billy) with the Cunninghams on their day out to Steve Irwin's Australia Zoo! We arrived just in time to see the main show....a brilliant display of trained birds followed by the Croc! It was pretty awesome, although there was a general undertone of disappointment through the crowd when the trainers didnt wrestle it to the ground. 

We fed the Kangaroos (John and his Dad hilariously got bitten), stroked the koalas (chuffed kid) and saw the trainers working with the tigers!! Great day out and a solid 8/10 awarded to Mr&Mrs C for their packed lunch abilities.

Photo montage of my day. 

After two decent days, we were pushing our luck for a third on the trot. We set off with all intentions to go for a surfing lesson somewhere up Sunshine Coast. If we had put more than 2 brain cells of thought into it we would have returned to surfers paradise as the trade kind of goes in the name and I could be guaranteed a decent steak sandwich...We stopped off at a service station, the boys had a maccies, I opted out and got a yoghurt muesli bar. Now, at this point I should have thought back to previous occasions I turned down the Big Mac meal made large and just taken the 3000 calories on the chin...our day did not end well. The tourist information people seemed very keen on a place called Bribie Island. It was half an hour away from where we were and we were also told that we could have a sweet go at surfing. SOLD to the idiot with the muesli bar... 

I will just provide a short quote from the tourist guide to the Island:-

"Remember those carefree holidays as a child playing on the beach in the soft white sand and having locally caught fish and chips for lunch- that is still what Bribie has to offer plus so much more"  They were correct about the "so much more" part....

We turned up to a place I wouldn't even send my gran, even she would be 20 years shy of the average age! If you are keen on assisted euthanasia..then this is the place for you!! We lasted about 10 minutes before we returned to the car feeling our souls slowly being drained from our bodies. The Harry Potter fans out there will probably relate to it as an experience with a dementor. The drive after was painful and I very nearly throttled my best friend on several occasions. It may seem like I am exaggerating quite how bad my day was but when the hunger pains kicked in and I had been driving for 4 and a half hours to visit the retirement capital of australia...its safe to say I was on a new level of emotional breakdown.

Moral of the story?

Should have got a Big Mac meal made large