Creepy Crawlies

Already not amused

It's been a pretty rough week in regards to my interactions with the animal kingdom. On Saturday I went on a 'horseback adventure' over in Fordsdale, (approximately an hour and a half inland) for 5 hours on a horse having never ridden one before, my V hated me before we even got there. We set off nice and early...I had consumed a pie and a slush puppy before it was even 8am as I never trust something that says they provide food if there isnt a Maccies nearby. I instantly regretted this the moment I got on my horse and his knees buckled. I sat there straddled over poor Borris in total shame, wishing horses vision didn't sit round the side of their heads so I could avoid the pained expression darting through his eyes. The fact I was a total beginner in the horseback riding industry also made me feel like I was the fat kid in a P.E. lesson paired up with the county pro (how ironic), who would roll their eyes at the teacher before spending the lesson begrudgingly carrying their achilles heel of a partner through to the end. 

Bailed

Whilst I sat in silent apology to poor Borris, who by the way I concluded was also gay (the only male horse not to get a boner when the female in season sauntered past) we enjoyed a guided tour of the surrounds. This sentence in itself is a bit weak, I hesitate using the term 'we' considering I'm pretty sure Borris enjoyed carrying me about as much as I enjoy eating a carrot stick if a chocolate cake is nearby...and the term 'enjoyed' is also a bit loose when I spent the whole time in fear Borris's legs would snap and I would be responsible for the imminent euthanasia. On one particularly steep downhill decent I actually called it quits and climbed off, a result of Borris eyeing up the cliff edge far too longingly. If horses could do maths...im pretty sure he was calculating the distance to the floor in relation to the speed we would have gained to enable immediate death upon impact, anything to avoid carrying the inexperienced retard he had been paired up with. We eventually made it home, Borris even worked up to a light trot when he saw the finishing line. Along the way we actually came across my first snake in the wild...a brown one which im told can kill. Again, if we had come across it about an hour before Borris would probably have thrown me at it, hoping for the best. 
I have made the decision that horse riding isn't really my thing, not only do you need a ringed cushion for a day or two but horses attract flies. I for one did not enjoy the feeling of them crawling across my eyeball on several occasions.

Chronic

In this recent week, I have also come across my first spider. If i had a fear of them I probably would actually book myself out of here on the first plane home because they are respectfully larger than any I have come across back home. I caught the first one easily due to being an accessible height, situated at the bottom of my door...the second however I spotted on my ceiling, providing a much larger challenge.

1-0

Regardless to my lack of phobia I didn't fancy the thought of it dangling above me in the dark so I plotted it's capture. I initially opted for the cockroach spray, which informed me of a degree of effectiveness upon spiders...strongly worded letter of complaint coming their way. If anything the spider became more agile and added to that, was also pretty pissed off. I was now convinced that if I didn't get it out of my bedroom immediately, he would sit and plot revenge in my sleep. I gave up on the modernised approach, opting instead for the traditional 'glass and paper' manoeuvre...not ideal when the spider is on the ceiling and im balancing underneath on a very unstable swivelly chair. However, my determination prevailed and i triumphantly mocked the spider before I set him out into the wild (hopefully never to return?) 

Moral of the stories?
I bond better with dead animals...one big mac meal made large please

Bored face....

Birthday Cake

After the mishaps of our last Byron Bay adventure (blame the goon...) we decided to embark upon a Round 2 for Ash's birthday weekend away. After struggling majorly to find accomodation...we eventually gave up and booked a double room to squeeze 9 of us in...financially a great decision. I baked Ash a cake (totally forgot about the candles so made do with a lighter..) and at the 'past her bedtime' stage of 8pm...im pretty sure she doesnt remember me presenting it to her. We also realised once in the hotel that we were going to get our ID's checked on our way back in (maybe its common for cheapskate travellers to squeeze multiple people in one room?) but by this point the goon and jaeger shots were in too much of a heavy flow for us to care. Due to the fact Mark's ginger, hobo like appearance doesn't sit well with bouncers I am yet again unable to describe the interior of Cheeky Monkeys...

We moved on to Cocomangas, ushering Mark in first so they know he had actually arrived with people and not wandered in off the streets. Ash made it until half 12 before I was patting her back whilst she chundered in a bin in the corner...those of you who know me well enough to know my attitude towards sick will see this as the telltale state that I was in rather than her. Needless to say we were kicked out. Personally I wasn't too bothered because we went straight to the takeaway, which is by far my favourite part of a night out. You know you have issues when you are stood in the corner of a club weighing up the life changing decision of whether to go for a chicken burger or pizza on the way home...even bigger issues when you cant make the decision and just opt for both. Either way I ended up spending more money on pizza than I had on drinks...how am i single? 

Needs more than a coffee
to sort that out

We arrived at the hotel and soon remembered our original dilemma of how we could sneak so many people in without them noticing (including two boys when the room was booked under two girls...) Ash had packed two airbeds for some of us to sleep on, forgetting the fact we needed to pump them using the car. I dont think carrying two airbeds through the hotel lobby would have gone any more unnoticed than razzing it through to the second floor in a honda jazz...the plot thickens. Resultantly I paid $15 for a hotel room I didn't use after carting two inflated airbeds round the streets of Byron Bay at 2am, waking up on the beach to the sound of at least 100 children who had turned up for a Sunday morning life saving course. I was actually relatively pleased with the scenario until we strolled back through the hotel lobby at 8am arriving to the room to find out that 6 of my companions had outsmarted the door staff and had a cosy, sand free evening. Even Skit had made it through just under their assumption he would be 'in and out' (quite literally.) Hilariously enough we had left Mark down at the beach and upon our return he informed us someone had even asked him if he wanted a coffee. Apparently it isn't an uncommon thing to sleep on the beach in Byron and we soon made a friends with Peter, who had set up camp a few metres from us and spent his day smoking the dooby and drinking goon. I'm sure many of you will expect similar of me at the age of 40...except I will also be surrounded by cats. 

Moral of the story?

Dont go to Byron Bay...there isn't a McDonalds in sight

Me and Maire

As the boys are making their way up the coast and I hadn't experienced a night in Surfers yet...I took Maire down there for a mad one (obviously paid for one bed between the two of us...) Yet again a cost effective trip for us girls...we got free entry AND free drinks before 12. It's safe to say sharing the two bottles of vodka beforehand was probably an error. Whilst in the club innocently dancing on a podium, some GoldCoast dooshbag decided it was perfectly acceptable to shove me and Maire off it so he could jump up to grind on some girl. Not realising quite how scummy he was we attempt to get back on the podium....a few push and shoves later he spat in Maire's face three times. As it was not yet 12 and he had been kicked out we decided to let the whole ordeal slide and went back to the bar. It was clear the clock had struck midnight when girls were no longer queuing up for drinks...I was no exception. I also knew I was close walking distance to Maccies so decided to call it a night. We had lost Skit (who had apparently abandoned ship in a hunt for a kebab) and after failed attempts of finding him, I finally had my Big Mac meal and a soft serve (third one of the day) I demolished the burger in usual speed (there is a technique to the execution of a Big Mac of which many have limited knowledge) and was just about to start on my fries when the podium dude whaltzed in with his cronies. I imagine a sober person would have ignored his presence, realising if he was going to spit on a girl he probably had no morals, however Maire was far from sober...She spent a couple of minutes winding him up and I wasn't paying much attention to his whereabouts. Next thing I knew he had thrown his large coke all over us on his way out...which in itself is annoying but a huge quantity covered my remaining food. I dont know what onlookers found more amusing; the sight of Mark and Maire attempting to take on him and his mates or me sat in borderline tears trying to dry my chips off with an equally wet napkin. Regardless, I still ate them. 

Moral of the story?

For the first time ever, I shouldn't have got the Big Mac meal...

Getting wet and wild in the black hole...

Yesterday marked the 3 month anniversary of my time in Australia. It's crazy to think if I didn't have my year long visa I would be on my way home....unless I fancied my chances as an illegal immigrant. I suppose I could have befriended members of the Asian mafia for protection, hiding out in some cupboard under the stairs in a dodgy takeaway. Would be awesome to make an appearance on Border Security and get shipped back home whilst receiving global recognition.

Sharking

Anyway...I was actually meant to spend my day whale watching (insert self criticised fat joke here) but it got cancelled so instead we decided to go to wet and wild for the day. Its a water park just down the Goldie (Gold Coast to you non-locals) and I have an annual pass from my day at Sea World. I personally think 'Wet and Wild' is a pretty poor choice of name for a water park...it just means the paedophiles can get twice as excited about what to expect before getting there. However. it is not a child friendly park and I laughed on several occasions at kids standing on their tip toes next to the rulers before having an emotional breakdown when they get turned away. Why would you even put your child through such public humiliation...unless its being used as a punishment? Some of them werent even close though...one kid was about 20cm short of the height restriction and his mum tried to feed some BS story to the lifeguard about him being a strong swimmer...yeah, thats why he has floatation devices in his rashy?

So wet and So wild...

I personally feel I'm a pretty good person to accompany to a water park...not only would you feel better about your body but my fear of heights is a good laugh on the climb up to a big ride. One downfall of the park was the lack of conveyor belt systems for the tubes...spending your day dragging them up multiple flights of stairs is physically demanding for someone with poor fitness levels like myself. There was also one ride where they actually weighed you to check you were okay to go on it....i was ecstatic at my miraculous 1kg loss in 2 weeks. Whilst at the park, myself and Cailin bumped into some of the other au pairs. 

Always knew I would need a crane to be transported one day but didnt expect it to be so soon...

Things got out of hand and the next thing I knew I was harnessed 50m up in the air listening to some guy named Dave doing a count down to my inevitable death. As I mentioned I have an insane fear of heights so this situation for me was far from ideal. I probably used every curse word under the sun but thankfully Dave's safety procedures were evidently thorough and I can live to tell the tale of my skyrider experience. 

Live, Laugh, Love <3

Moral of the story?

Dont trust your parents or the paedophiles at wet and wild...

Fraser Island.....

Up front with Danny...

I wasn't really sure what to expect when it came to the Fraser Island trip...I had heard very good things about the place and was quite looking forward to the potential of making the news for my arm getting severed by a Dingo or something (they are however a very misjudged breed of which I am a huge fan...lots of respect for any animal that has figured out how to open cooler bins to steal the contents.) There was 8 of us booked onto the 3 day tour...of the 6 people I didn't know to begin with I can still only name 3. Our tour guide Danny was very funny and im 99% sure he fancied me. It was my first time driving on a beach and I made the mistake of sitting in the very back of the 4x4. My head smashed on ceiling 400 times and I had restricted viewing when we came across a humpback whale and a school of dolphins! Even Danny got excited and instructed everybody to "GET THE FUCK OUT", which soon became the motto of the tour. Due to the small size of our group, we also got treated to a treck up to the lighthouse at double ended point, which provided great views, my first ever sighting of a sea turtle in the wild and an on the spot decision never to walk up a hill with more than a 10% incline ever again.We arrived on Fraser Island early afternoon, making our way along 75 mile beach to the hotel. During the journey Danny stopped to talk to a few other drivers, one of which told us to keep an eye out on the waters as he thinks he saw a shark feeding frenzy! Annoyingly from my spot in the back seat I saw nothing but the boys saw it all, it was actually a killer whale!! This is something which is so rare in the Fraser Island region that the National Park almost disregard any potential sightings! The third whale spotting of the day was at Lake Wobby, where I paraded in my bikini for the fans...

We kick started the second day of our tour with a trip to the sand dunes. I consulted the tour itinery afterwards and at no point did it say I needed experiences such as climbing mount Everest to enjoy the 'light exercise' required. We were the only people there but I imagine if others had been, it would have looked very similar to a scene off The Biggest Loser....at one point I even fell to my knees and made a short prayer to the Lord above that my legs wouldn't become disabled forever as a result of the treacherous climb. I couldn't help but think the whole ordeal would have been easier if I had larger toes, the small surface area meant my feet stabbed through the sand and I could only watch with a mixture of jealousy and admiration as Chris stormed on ahead with his canoe shoes. It was our last journey with Danny, we were passed over at lunch time to join the visitors of the two day trip. I'm pretty sure he left because he couldn't cope with his overwhelming feelings towards me...

The two day tour people arrived and we got upgraded to a small bus...which provided an even bumpier journey and also required huge efforts from me and Ash to turn it into a wild party. 

Ash robbing my man...

Over the course of the weekend I developed an insane amount of love for one of the guys on the tour...a 35 year old Canadian guy called Andre. After giving up on numerous attempts at a party bus. I spent many a moments singing songs for him, replacing words in chart toppers with his name. A personal favourite was "never mind I'll find someone like Andre..." even though I struggled to hit the big notes. I have also added Canada as another destination on my world tour.

The tour as a whole was quite expensive and not something I would recommend (unless you get Danny as a guide or Andre as a co-guest) I also send my sincere apologies to the local baker who nearly got fired for jumping in the pool with us with no clothes on...my rolls were better than hers.

Becoming the Queen of Camping...

One Night of Camping....

So the family are playing country swap and are currently in London, leaving me kid-free for 3 glorious weeks. The first weekend I planned a camping trip down to Mt.Tamborine for a night and took my 2 favourite kiwis with me! For the one night we went we probably packed an average of 7kgs of clothing each, enough food for a week (97% sweets, chocolate and snacks) and obviously forgot key camping essentials such as plates and a spatula (camping error number 1)....cooking home-made burgers with a fork is tough. After setting up camp quite efficiently with no instructions we went to explore the surroundings, there are a lot of nice creeks and waterfalls in the Tamborine National Park. If we were to go back in time I would probably change my poor choice of attire...wearing high waist shorts with a belt that pulls them slightly too high (camping error number 2) was definitely not appreciated by my lady region and if I remain forever childless, this will definitely be up there as one of the main causes! We spent a far from quiet night sat around the fire with a few beverages, toasting any food we could on the end of a stick and dipping in a pot of aeoli. Camping error number 3 was putting me in charge of the fire; I managed to flick a ball of flames onto Alex, causing lots of girly screams and chaos of throwing drinks everywhere before we eventually extinguished her with a glass of wine...I personally thought it was hilarious.

Moral of the Story?
Should have just took a big mac meal made large...and maybe a different pair of shorts

The following weekend I embarked upon a 13 hour drive up the East Coast to the Whitsunday Islands. Within the first 5 minutes we had already gone the wrong way and been attacked by a mosquito! Nine hours later we were crawling into the first petrol station we had seen in over 100km using the fumes of the petrol can! We reached Shute Harbour with plenty of time to spare so stopped at Hungry Jacks for a nice breakfast whopper (McDonalds had their friggin breakfast menu on or would have had a BigMac..) This was a trip i truely realised how much my life revolved around food....we were told to pack lightly for the boat transfer so I moved some of our dry food into the car along with some of the spare butane and other bits and bobs we dont need. Once we arrived on the island we realised the car was also full of petrol fumes and was parked in a non-shaded area, putting the cans of butane at risk of blowing up...I was furious in case we lost the few tins of spaghetti and box of cereal I had left behind. After an awesome week on Whitehaven skinny dipping, snorkelling with sharks and stingrays and camping on a beach we were ready to get back to the mainland (ultimately because we had nothing left to eat...) 
The following day we set off to go and dive the barrier reef...the boat trip was quite rocky and I witnessed a small Chinese woman fill about 10 sick backs in 5 minutes. Big pat on the back to her boyfriend for sticking with her throughout, I would have bailed before bag number 2! The trip cost $210 without the scuba so I made it my mission to make some of the money back on the buffet lunch (totally ignoring the usual statement about how everyone needs to eat...) I was also furious to see the same Chinese woman who had spewed so shamelessly on the boat swanning round eating king prawns..shot not sat near her on the way home! I nearly missed the transfer back because I was actually too busy eating a chicken drumstick...Snorkelling the reef was surreal and finding Nemo was actually awesome! Nailed a night out in Airlie Beach after which was a bit chronic the next day starting the journey home at 9am after packing a tent away. Too many funny things to even sum up but quotes of the week:
1. Why am I single?
2. I love being overweight...
3. Should have been shot at birth!
4. Where are the timtams?
5. Hold on...let me just finish this drumstick

<3 Ash, Kenzi and Ronnie for an amazing trip!!

Moral of the story?
Definitely should not have had a KFC on the way home...

Bartering with a 4 year old....

I am training Liam up as a hairdresser so I don't have to do my own hair anymore....

In return I have to push him on the swing...

And provide him with Spelling lessons....

But this also get me his babysitting duties....

Then he gets a few fun days out on the side for free...

Loss of multiple Virginities!!

In recent weeks I have been to my first Brisbane Broncos game, visited Byron Bay with a bunch of people I barely/didn't know, held my first Koala, held my first Snake, played my first didgeridoo, spooned a Kangaroo and drank my first Wildberry Smash....

Jordan, Ash, Me, Alex and Maisa (sick)

I actually moved away from Maisa
specifically for this photo...

When planning a weekend away, most people would choose their uttermost best friends and be very wary of any 'outsiders' that could potentially ruin the fun. Life as an Au Pair allows none of this...so I embarked upon a 330km round trip for one night of mayhem with 9 girls I barely knew. Cailin was the closest thing I had to a best friend (the Saturday marked our 4 weeks of friendship anniversary...) and I could count on one hand or less the amount of times I had met everybody else! After some seedy pickups on the street corner of the train station (the awkward moment you don't know someone and not sure if the person you are staring at is them or not...) we went on our merry way. We stayed at a well known backpackers hostel called The Arts Factory...basically follow the smell of marijuana and you're there! I would definitely recommend anyone visiting Byron to stay...there was plenty to do and the laid back atmosphere made socialising very easy! (We only got asked once if we wanted to buy some of the green stuff but no offence is taken when you politely decline..) I serenaded my new friends with a didgeridoo and hung out in hammocks watching the sun go down. In the space of the one night I was there I loved these people enough to commit myself to a world tour to make sure I visited everyone on home turf (3 states of  America, Finland, 2 regions of France and 2 regions 

Calling in life...

of NZ) - pretty expensive night out in the end!! The following day was spent lounging around at the beach (mainly figuring out how to put an effective restraining order on Maisa...Finish, banging body, blonde hair, blue eyes, kinda girl that makes you want to give up on life...) followed by a wander round the Sunday markets. I would advice anyone not to use the portaloos, especially after a heavy night on the goon as the chances are you will probably chunder on yourself. 

Taking everything into perspective, I wouldn't have done the weekend with anyone else...
<3 MY BYRON BAY BITCHEZZZ

Chillin at the beach...

Moral of the Story?
Would have a body like Maisa if I didn't love my big macs...

I also feel I have turned into a Lone Pine Tour Guide....I took Cailin to show her around and get our photos taken with a Koala (life long dream) and later in the week I took Ash and Sophie too (a slightly more hungover, less enthusiastic trip..) I also made an on the spot decision to get my photo taken with a snake (didn't want to waste the full face of day make-up) and spooned a kangaroo!
I have been spending almost too much time with Ash...her Kiwi lingo is rubbing off on me and NEK MINNIIIIIT I'll be sounding like one...
We also managed to take 4 trips to McDonalds in our sorry states after embarking upon the best hangover drink known to mankind...Wildberry Smash. I have put Ash on a strict budget to save for our future travels (world tour I arranged at Byron..) and we decided we cannot accomodate or justify spending $5 four times a day every time we feel a bit grim..

Moral of the Story?
Should have just got a Big Mac Meal made Large instead of the first Wildberry Smash...

Sat Nav lady better watch her back...

So it's been a while now since my last update. Mainly because I feel my life is splattered all over about 6 different social media sites, people must be fed up of reading the same old shit. However, I am mainly writing this blog for something for me to read back on and remember what a ball I had.

I have had a relatively chilled out couple of weeks....the kids are finally realising I will put them on 'time out' when they're naughty and Liam is toning down his over-use of the insult "fuckid penis" as a result...

I have had a couple of decent days of fun...on the 14th (August) I went down to Springbrook National Park with Cailin...there is an optional hike between all the lookouts, we obviously chose to drive. The waterfall at the Natural Bridge was amazing...it did involve an unavoidable mile or so long walk though due to lack of close access by car (one for the complaint box) so it's a good job I'm in complete and utter peak physical condition.

Clockwise from top left - Natural Bridge, Me & Cailin, Best of All Lookout

Went to The Ekka on the 17th with Jess...it's an annual festival in Brisbane which basically involves the country folk coming and ripping you of every last dollar in as many methods as possible. I personally spent 13 on sweets (lollies for those Aussies out there) alone...I did however try my first ever dagwood dog (corndog - large one obviously) and bloody loved it!!! 

Clockwise from left - firework, me loving life with my dagwood, car on two wheels, horse show

My job at the weekend involved taking the kids to SeaWorld....tough life! 98% of the day was a success; the 2% that wasn't involved a mad moment of panic after Zoe decided to run off in the opposite direction to try and find Dora the Explorer! Many a times I have observed a parents panic when they can't find their child and wondered what it would feel like - I now imagine it's nearly as bad as how I felt when I realised I had potentially lost someone else's! She turned up in tears...still yet to work out if it was from being upset at losing me or her failed mission in tracking down her idol. 

Clockwise from top left - me being awesome with the kids, me and zoe on the rocket ride,
me and Liam on the log flume, the first dolphins iv seen in my life.

I am also now going to take the time to complain about how much of a knobber my satnav is. They must be accountable for a good 76% of accidents and 100% of road related suicides. If I ever meet the woman who does the voice over for mine, I will have a natural instinct to punch her in the face and repeatedly shout "TURN AROUND WHEN POSSIBLE". Not my fault when you constantly tell me to bear left before flying past the right hand turn...oh and then throwing me further off-track by taking about 6 minutes to re-calculate the pissing journey. 

It very nearly made me late for the pub quiz at the Down Under bar. I'm reliably informed it's a Brisbane Hotspot...and for $7 pizza and pint I for one will definitely return. Our team (quiz on my breasticles) was a solid force reeling in 34/40 and taking first place ($100 prize!!) It was an emotional moment what with it being my first ever pub quiz success...here is the picture of us in all our glory.

quiz on my breasticles for a $100

Moral of the stories?
1. Check parking restrictions before a trip
2. Go for a maccies before going to Ekka (big mac meal is cheaper than their sweets...)
3. Shoot Dora before going to Sea World
4. Stop being so directionally retarded
5. always quiz on my breasticles

I have found the cure for teenage pregnancies...and also my first friend

SUNGLASSES
Rule number 1 in the
'how to improve your
looks' manual

Before coming to Australia I joined a website called meetup.com Its essentially a website for loners who find common interests with other loners and make friends with them. PERFECT! I had joined the group for au-pairs in Brisbane (as they don't have a group for people who are a general mess in life for me to make friends with) but it turns out my first friend Cailin fits that category too anyway. An event was organised for a group of us to go paddle boarding and I saw it as a decent enough distraction from my daydreaming about big macs. The organiser messaged me and after a few friendlies we arranged a trip out to the beach...i mainly felt panicky about the fact it was in the same direction as Bribie Island. I went along and we got on pretty well...she's American and I was the first British person she had ever met. I'm sure I don't just speak for myself when I say I don't think that's giving the country the best of starts. Anyway, she found my accent hilarious and we bonded over the pathetic state of our loneliness...and in a non-sexual sense we are eachother's first! I also got my face licked by a small dog and a dead jellyfish flung at me by a small child but that's another story...

It was a lot easier for me going to the paddle boarding having already met Cailin...I can be pretty awkward sometimes in situations with new people and say something highly inappropriate...at least now I knew if that happened she would laugh (similar sense of humour..) 

Paddle boarding itself is not easy...especially when the most exercise your upper arms have done in the past few months involves opening the fridge door  (sometimes a pretty decent workout if they have a strong magnetic system..) The instructor made us go against the tide and the city cat boat annialated us with waves every few minutes...imagine it was quite amusing for the crowds of spectators along the river bank (especially when I did a far from graceful belly flop before getting hit in the face by my board as the tide swept us back.) It was a load of fun though and I would recommend it to anyone. 

Lovely wet boobs for the ride home.

I was on babysitting duties afterwards and Cailin came along for the ride...the whole experience nearly broke us mentally, physically and emotionally. After Emma&Andrew left all hell broke loose. They tried every trick from the 'guide of how to ruin an au pairs life in one night', threw about 4 simultaneous tantrums (along with a few books and felt tips), I got kicked in the face and drawn all over as well as being called a penis about 45 times. I now understand one potential cause of an alcoholic...single mothers out there have my sympathy and I for one will never judge. It took an hour and 45 minutes to get them to finally go to sleep...do these children know how many big macs i can eat in that time? However, it has led me to a new scheme for avoiding teenage pregnancies. Scrap the plastic babies, wind Liam and Zoe up and throw them into the ring! The condom industry will boost and everyone's a winner. 

Moral of the story?

Don't get pregnant kids

The cat needs emotional therapy...along with anyone unlucky enough to visit Bribie Island

Skittles isn't too pleased with me...I have actually spent a few days going out and socialising instead of lounging round tending to his petting needs. I assume he feels a bit used and abused...kind of like if you go on a first date that went pretty well but then don't hear from them for a few days. We are maintaining the initial business arrangement and he begrudgingly eats the food i provide, dismissing my attempts of affection. He eventually caves at night time, sculking into my bedroom for cuddles....

Loving the guy on the left refusing to move.

Now John has arrived with his family I have been able to leave the house without being a total loner...we went down the Gold Coast and stopped off at Surfers Paradise for the day. I can only really describe it is Australia's equivalent to Ayia Napa or something like that. I don't think a place that has a kinky sex shop named 'Condom Kingdom' with a 6 foot tall smiling plastic condom at its door can really claim any form of dignity, similarly to the twig girls walking round in gold hot pants and cowboy hats! 

Skittles got pretty jealous when he saw this,
he thought me and the condom were now good friends.

The day itself was actually amazing. I make it sound a pretty shoddy place but the beach was gorgeous, the sea was clean and my banter as always was pretty unreal. If you ever go I recommend you stop for food at the Surf Life Saving Club! Its on the beach front and has a $10 menu (very cheap compared to most places) I tend to have a habit of rating days out purely on the food...so after a decent steak sandwich and tub of chocolate ice cream I can happily say I would go back.

The following day I tagged along (call me Billy) with the Cunninghams on their day out to Steve Irwin's Australia Zoo! We arrived just in time to see the main show....a brilliant display of trained birds followed by the Croc! It was pretty awesome, although there was a general undertone of disappointment through the crowd when the trainers didnt wrestle it to the ground. 

We fed the Kangaroos (John and his Dad hilariously got bitten), stroked the koalas (chuffed kid) and saw the trainers working with the tigers!! Great day out and a solid 8/10 awarded to Mr&Mrs C for their packed lunch abilities.

Photo montage of my day. 

After two decent days, we were pushing our luck for a third on the trot. We set off with all intentions to go for a surfing lesson somewhere up Sunshine Coast. If we had put more than 2 brain cells of thought into it we would have returned to surfers paradise as the trade kind of goes in the name and I could be guaranteed a decent steak sandwich...We stopped off at a service station, the boys had a maccies, I opted out and got a yoghurt muesli bar. Now, at this point I should have thought back to previous occasions I turned down the Big Mac meal made large and just taken the 3000 calories on the chin...our day did not end well. The tourist information people seemed very keen on a place called Bribie Island. It was half an hour away from where we were and we were also told that we could have a sweet go at surfing. SOLD to the idiot with the muesli bar... 

I will just provide a short quote from the tourist guide to the Island:-

"Remember those carefree holidays as a child playing on the beach in the soft white sand and having locally caught fish and chips for lunch- that is still what Bribie has to offer plus so much more"  They were correct about the "so much more" part....

We turned up to a place I wouldn't even send my gran, even she would be 20 years shy of the average age! If you are keen on assisted euthanasia..then this is the place for you!! We lasted about 10 minutes before we returned to the car feeling our souls slowly being drained from our bodies. The Harry Potter fans out there will probably relate to it as an experience with a dementor. The drive after was painful and I very nearly throttled my best friend on several occasions. It may seem like I am exaggerating quite how bad my day was but when the hunger pains kicked in and I had been driving for 4 and a half hours to visit the retirement capital of australia...its safe to say I was on a new level of emotional breakdown.

Moral of the story?

Should have got a Big Mac meal made large

Being best friends with a cat

Iv arrived in Brisbane (after another tragic occurrence at the airport involving my attempt to get on the wrong plane) and due to the fact i currently know nobody, i have thrown all my efforts into bonding with the family cat! Funnily enough we are currently spooning whilst watching the Olympics!

Me and the new bezzie

The twins are adorable and haven't been too much of a handful just yet! I think after witnessing my first ever attempt at driving an automatic they're pretty convinced i have the power to kill them (left foot braking) which has kept them relatively in line!

We went to the lone pine koala sanctuary and fed the kangaroos! Zoe also made friends with an emu (probably my fault as skittles used to be her best friend). She sent the chinese tourists into a photography frenzy when she cuddled and kissed it! The family have now gone to hong kong for a week, i should probably make some human friends before i prematurely turn into a crazy cat lady.

Feeding the Kangaroos

Zoe with her Emu

Airport Scandals, Suicide Threats and plenty of Trousers Pulled Down

It has to be said...when i thought about my gruelling 25 hour journey involving three seperate flights and about 8 hours of waiting round at airports I never expected it to go smoothly....

Everything started off relatively well....apart from the standard barefooted trudge through bag control and being spot checked at every 'random suspecting a terrorist point' possible (my brand new iphone was treated to its first pap smear) After all that, a decent flight to Frankfurt, with the luxury of an empty seat beside me I decided to kill some time and head to maccies for a lemonade. I was pretty proud of myself for avoiding the big mac meal made large and distracted my temptations by looking through my flight itinary....! Minutes drifted by and I wasnt paying much (enough) attention to my surroundings. Some boy (max age 7) tried to Tom Daley it straight into my female region and grabbed hold of both my legs. A bit concerned about the paedophilic looking display i frantically looked around for the boys mother...nobody in sight. I tell him to get off...great, not English! Soon becomes clear that even if he was I doubt he would have understood me anyway! He grabs my passport (which i had stupidly left lying on the table, endless grief coming my way from mother about this one..) and makes his get away. Any normal person would probably have tried to stop him but I was still in shock at the fact I had nearly been sexually mollested by a small child Fortunately for me his attempted escape was a complete disaster...I probably shouldnt laugh but the combination of his poor choice in footwear and slippy floor worked to my advantage and I could only watch in awe as he skidded into the mcdonalds kitchen door, which happened to be simultaneously opening outwards. I quickly recovered my passport, cursing the previous removal of converse as i made my own slippery escape. 

Moral of the story? 

Always Order a Big Mac Meal made Large

Multiple hours and a trip sat with two homosexual frisky German boys later I finally arrived in Perth...its 4 degrees Celsius at night time....had no nipples left before I even reached the car. Cant say I was too impressed. However woke up to much better weather so kitted myself out in shorts and tshirt, feeling appropriately dressed....for about 0.374 seconds. (21 degrees is actually considered as cold in that place- genuinely saw one guy dressed prepared for a trip to the arctic circle!) We made way to Kings Park, which was about 30 minute walk away and located nicely for looking out over the city and ocean...so im told. We in fact arrived to the sights of some guy in a car strapped to gas canisters threatening to blow himself up....actually no I lie, we just saw the car (average white 5 door.) I know I had been wondering myself if life was worth living about 3/4 of the way up the horrendous hill leading towards it so I could kind of sympathise and relate to his current situation but come on...could have chosen not to position the car in the spot with the best views. The police were swarming to make sure there was a 100m distance to him but we still managed to get a prime viewing spot....exciting for about 3 minutes til we realised we could in fact have watching a stationary car, on a flat surface, without calves that burned. Even better when a news reporter comes over asking whats happened....youre supposed to be telling us love? Cant get the staff these days....! After about an hour of waiting I was beginning to wish we had sacked sight seeing off and just headed to a maccies....I had basically sweated about 3 litres, ripped my shin splints to shreds, seen none of the promised views and (dont judge me i was tired) no car bombing.

(for more information on the event select this link)

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/national/man-faces-3-charges-after-kings-park-siege/story-e6frfku9-1226430677461

Moral of the story?

Should Have Gone to Maccies and Ordered a Big Mac Meal made Large

Margaret River

The best thing about Perth is how cheap it is...NAHT! Genuinely may aswell walk around that place with your trousers constantly round your ankles. In what planet is $16 acceptable for about 4 ferrero rochers? Good bloody job I dont eat them...anyway we decided to get out of the city for a day, hire a car and head down the coast towards the winerys and into the nature a bit more. I had learned from previous experiences and decided fast food was the only option for my day (subway...foot long...) We reached our destination by the Margaret River after approx 3 hours (i obviously slept the whole way and blamed it on jetlag...) Beautiful little town serving up a gorgeous apple cider!! The river itself was pretty with lots of overhanging trees and the kids playground was full of sexually innuendoed gym equipment. 

Photography by LJ Divine Photography

Great family day out i imagine...? The sun began to set and we headed back towards Perth, stopping after 25km or so to view the sunset over Geographe Bay, obviously eat some more fast food (fish and chips $6...trousers up!!) and to look out across the stars. Lee decided it would be perfectly appropriate to display the beauty of Australia in all its glory...milky way out, trousers down!

Photography by LJ Divine Photography

Moral of the story?
Should have gone home after the fish and chips




To view more of Lee's photography skills like his facebook page http://www.facebook.com/LjDivinePhotography?ref=ts